Manic Monday.....

I am following suit from my friend Rana and going to talk a bit about the emotional side of adoption, so Manic Monday it is!!!

I believe it is so helpful to talk about all sides of adoption, not just the "good part."  The pictures of the smiles, and the meeting ect., all part of the good side.  But I feel that if we don't talk about all sides, it can give a false illusion to those who are entering the process.  It's just like when you have a biological child.  You are soooo excited and imagine rocking your baby, cuddling, nursing them, ect.  Other been there done that mom's don't often tell you about the utter exhaustion, the crying when you have a colic baby, the stress of a sick baby ect...
I was not emotionally prepared when we gave birth to J, and I was not emotionally prepared when we finally got N home.


This is all just my experience, NOT by any means how it goes for everyone.

Ethiopia was a high emotionally for me.  You are so excited, and it feels so amazing to finally have your baby/child.  You experience amazing culture, amazing people, and you just fall in love with Ethiopia.  The plane ride started my coming down from my high!  It was so long(obviously), but it was the beginning of not sleeping for me, which is not good emotionally for me.

Coming thru the gates in the airport boosted my high again, but it started to dwindle quickly.  The jet lag SUCKS.  I hate that word, but it does.  Totally sucks.  It wears you down and my immunity was low.  Nevaeh was doing well, and adjusting good, she was a trouper.  I was so tired.  The best way to describe how I felt is that I was just being Nev's caregiver.  I loved her, but wasn't in love yet.  And I felt horrible.  This didn't help the bonding, since I was judging myself and also was withholding from my older daughter, because I felt like I shouldn't be unfair to Nev, and treat Jay "more loved".  The first few weeks, I was a mess.

Until I was on facebook...yes facebook chatting with another adoptive mom.  She told me how she felt her first weeks and months. Feeling guilty was not helping the situation, and hearing her experience took a huge weight off my shoulder.  The bonding experience is a long process, it doesn't just happen the moment you pick up your child.  And I knew that...but I thought, why wouldn't it.  We had all the heart ache and pain waiting for her, how could I not instantly love her full out, and bond instantly.  I knew it would take awhile for her to bond to us, but I thought MY bond would be instant.

It has taken time.  I can say that.  But it's coming, much better.

So my advice to those waiting and getting ready to bring their child home, is give yourself time.  And don't feel guilty about how you are feeling.  Just do each day as it comes.

Now back to the frufru's for awhile!!

Confession Friday

I confess that this will be short and sweet cause I am in a hotel on my iPad in the dark as the kiddos are sleeping

I confess I used the word boyfriend when telling Nev we were going to see Ade and company tomorrow! I wonder if they recognize each other??? Almost a year in the same room??? Who knows! But regardless it will be great fun.

I confess that I am going to San Fran next week with my best bud and am sooooo excited! Sleep in and eat a meal with out interruption! Booyah!

I confess it's a bit pathetic when you have 5days to yourself and you are excited to sleep in and eat in peace!! Gone are the days of being excited to club it up and shop til you drop!

I confess that there will be some shopping in there too, but main thing is relax

I confess I just bought my 7year old a pair of skinny jeans. Yes I did. She really wanted them and she has been in a phase of sweat pants so for her to ask to wear jeans is nice!

I confess I am ready for J's hockey to be done. It's a long season and I am tired of rink burgers

I confess I have the best hubby's ever for letting me take off without him, and taking care of the kiddos while we wine taste, shop, and sleep!

I confess I looked on expedia to see if there is a shorter flight to Ethiopia than what we took!

Until next week!

Going to meet her.....

I remember waking up that morning, feeling excited, nervous, and most of all so ready to go meet her.  I couldn't eat breakfast as my stomach was in knots.  I was ready early, and I got butterflies when I saw Ketema drive up in the van, because I knew that meant it was time to go!  Adam, my father-in-law and I jumped in the van.  They let me sit in the front seat, so I could see and take pictures.  This whole time my stomach was getting more and more excited, and yet sad.  I knew that Nevaeh was going to be given to us, and we were going to be so happy, and for her, we were going to be strangers.  The people she felt safe with, comforted by, we were going to be removing her from them.  There fore I was sad, mixed in with it all.

I was tapping my toes, the whole time, and fidgeting until we turned left up this road.  I stopped it all as Ketema said, "This is it.  Do you want to take a picture?"  This is what I saw, and my heart started to race.  Ketema looked at me and saw my tears, and reached over and put his hand on mine, and said " Its okay, just breathe!  Now lets go meet your daughter Chaltu."   

We waited about 5 mins on the blue couches!! And then we saw her coming down the stairs with a care worker.  I couldn't even think much.  Just....."there she is."  I didn't cry.  I just looked and waited for them to come down the stairs.  She brought Chaltu to us, and we just looked at her, and touched her hands and stroked her arm.  Then she handed her to us.  Chaltu began to cry and wanted to go back to her caregiver.

This is when I started to cry.  It was what I was scared of.  She wanted who she knew.  Not me, her mom.  She didn't know I was her mom.  She was scared of me and Adam. 

After a few moments she stopped crying.  Then she laid her head on my shoulder.  Not necessarily because she was comfortable with me, but because she didn't have a lot of strength to hold her own head up.  I remember wrapping my arms around her and felt her breathing.  I felt how congested she was, and I knew she was sick right away.  I could feel her lungs rattling with every breath.  The mom in me was already on alert!  In about 5 mins, she had fallen asleep on my shoulder, and I just took it all in.
 

I knew Adam wanted to hold her to, and so we did the switch and she woke up.  But she just clung to Adam, and didn't cry.  Her legs just hung. No strength in them.  Her wide eyes took us in.
 

Finally we knew Grandpa wanted a chance to hold her, so we switch again.  She clung to him as he talked to her.  It was a precious moment to see.  I haven't seen my father in law cry much, and to see his tears, I it melted my heart.  It wasn't just us who waited for her for so long.  His tears were on behalf of all our family back home, and our close friends.
 

Grandpa gave her back to me, and she fell asleep again in my arms and we just sat and talked while she slept in my arms.  We hung out for about an hour longer, and finally knew it was time to give her back so she could go drink her bottle, and we would return the next day to pick her up forever.

It was an overwhelming hour.  It drained me emotionally, and I was surprisingly glad for the extra day to prepare to get ready to have her forever.

This is what I can remember about going to meet her.........

Blog or Blahhhhhh.

Yeah.  Blah I'd say is how to sum up my blog lately.  BLAH!!!!!!!!!

It has been going good here on the Lawson front.  Things are feeling more and more "right" each day with bonding.(I know that was not proper English, but that's I can explain it!.)  Nev is doing well, has been healthy, and I would say feels secure at home.  

Chillin like a villan

Getting ready to go to church

Okay....since you asked, here are a few snap of her....

She has though, started to be a pill in public.  If anyone even looks her way, she frEAKs  out.  And forget me trying to put her down to save my aching shoulders.  So maybe the sling will have to come back out, for my back and shoulders health.  Sooooo, what do you do?  Just cater to this, and be glad that she is attached to us, and not wanting anyone else on the earth to look her way, or do you slowly try to put her down.  Any suggestions.  I am really open to any and all suggestions.  

Walter the worm also seems to be gone!!!  Yeah.  No, make that a double YEAH!!!.  I don't want to get too excited, but am very hopeful. Its been a long go at fighting all the different parasites she had.  We tried everything.  Finally after a letter from the specialist to Health Canada requesting a certain drug not allowed in Canada, it seems to have worked.  I could post a picture of Walter on here for you all to see, (the Dr's were so interested because none of them had ever seen it, that they asked me to photograph it and put it on a CD , and give written permission that they could use it in teaching schools), but I figured you would just rather another picture of Nevaeh instead!  (Although I know some of you are thinking....ohhhhh, what did it look like!!  I know I would be!  But I'm crazy like that, very interested in that type of stuff...just not when it's on my own daughter!!!!)

So I will leave you with the ONE and ONLY photo of us as a family.