Monday, February 28, 2011

Manic Monday.....

I am following suit from my friend Rana and going to talk a bit about the emotional side of adoption, so Manic Monday it is!!!

I believe it is so helpful to talk about all sides of adoption, not just the "good part."  The pictures of the smiles, and the meeting ect., all part of the good side.  But I feel that if we don't talk about all sides, it can give a false illusion to those who are entering the process.  It's just like when you have a biological child.  You are soooo excited and imagine rocking your baby, cuddling, nursing them, ect.  Other been there done that mom's don't often tell you about the utter exhaustion, the crying when you have a colic baby, the stress of a sick baby ect...
I was not emotionally prepared when we gave birth to J, and I was not emotionally prepared when we finally got N home.

This is all just my experience, NOT by any means how it goes for everyone.

Ethiopia was a high emotionally for me.  You are so excited, and it feels so amazing to finally have your baby/child.  You experience amazing culture, amazing people, and you just fall in love with Ethiopia.  The plane ride started my coming down from my high!  It was so long(obviously), but it was the beginning of not sleeping for me, which is not good emotionally for me.

Coming thru the gates in the airport boosted my high again, but it started to dwindle quickly.  The jet lag SUCKS.  I hate that word, but it does.  Totally sucks.  It wears you down and my immunity was low.  Nevaeh was doing well, and adjusting good, she was a trouper.  I was so tired.  The best way to describe how I felt is that I was just being Nev's caregiver.  I loved her, but wasn't in love yet.  And I felt horrible.  This didn't help the bonding, since I was judging myself and also was withholding from my older daughter, because I felt like I shouldn't be unfair to Nev, and treat Jay "more loved".  The first few weeks, I was a mess.

Until I was on facebook...yes facebook chatting with another adoptive mom.  She told me how she felt her first weeks and months. Feeling guilty was not helping the situation, and hearing her experience took a huge weight off my shoulder.  The bonding experience is a long process, it doesn't just happen the moment you pick up your child.  And I knew that...but I thought, why wouldn't it.  We had all the heart ache and pain waiting for her, how could I not instantly love her full out, and bond instantly.  I knew it would take awhile for her to bond to us, but I thought MY bond would be instant.

It has taken time.  I can say that.  But it's coming, much better.

So my advice to those waiting and getting ready to bring their child home, is give yourself time.  And don't feel guilty about how you are feeling.  Just do each day as it comes.

Now back to the frufru's for awhile!!


Brendan and Mary said...

Apparently Rana's blog inspired a coming out party! ;) Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. We all have different experiences, but they are very real and powerful.

Ranavan said...

Oh Krista! I love that you are doing this too....we are not alone and we don't have to feel like we are anymore!

The guilt is killer isn't it? And once you let it go it helps so much!

Ranavan said...

P.S. Love ya!!!

Ramona said...

Oh the guilt... And the tears... And all the rest. It makes me want to cry that there are so many of us who understand each other about this. And it angers me that others are so quick to say it can't happen.
And know what? We don't have to be strong every day. And love takes time and energy. Admitting that guilt and hopelessness and lack of emotion or whatever way it hits is a big scary step but it's the start to healing.

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