Going to meet her.....

I remember waking up that morning, feeling excited, nervous, and most of all so ready to go meet her.  I couldn't eat breakfast as my stomach was in knots.  I was ready early, and I got butterflies when I saw Ketema drive up in the van, because I knew that meant it was time to go!  Adam, my father-in-law and I jumped in the van.  They let me sit in the front seat, so I could see and take pictures.  This whole time my stomach was getting more and more excited, and yet sad.  I knew that Nevaeh was going to be given to us, and we were going to be so happy, and for her, we were going to be strangers.  The people she felt safe with, comforted by, we were going to be removing her from them.  There fore I was sad, mixed in with it all.

I was tapping my toes, the whole time, and fidgeting until we turned left up this road.  I stopped it all as Ketema said, "This is it.  Do you want to take a picture?"  This is what I saw, and my heart started to race.  Ketema looked at me and saw my tears, and reached over and put his hand on mine, and said " Its okay, just breathe!  Now lets go meet your daughter Chaltu."   

We waited about 5 mins on the blue couches!! And then we saw her coming down the stairs with a care worker.  I couldn't even think much.  Just....."there she is."  I didn't cry.  I just looked and waited for them to come down the stairs.  She brought Chaltu to us, and we just looked at her, and touched her hands and stroked her arm.  Then she handed her to us.  Chaltu began to cry and wanted to go back to her caregiver.

This is when I started to cry.  It was what I was scared of.  She wanted who she knew.  Not me, her mom.  She didn't know I was her mom.  She was scared of me and Adam. 

After a few moments she stopped crying.  Then she laid her head on my shoulder.  Not necessarily because she was comfortable with me, but because she didn't have a lot of strength to hold her own head up.  I remember wrapping my arms around her and felt her breathing.  I felt how congested she was, and I knew she was sick right away.  I could feel her lungs rattling with every breath.  The mom in me was already on alert!  In about 5 mins, she had fallen asleep on my shoulder, and I just took it all in.
 

I knew Adam wanted to hold her to, and so we did the switch and she woke up.  But she just clung to Adam, and didn't cry.  Her legs just hung. No strength in them.  Her wide eyes took us in.
 

Finally we knew Grandpa wanted a chance to hold her, so we switch again.  She clung to him as he talked to her.  It was a precious moment to see.  I haven't seen my father in law cry much, and to see his tears, I it melted my heart.  It wasn't just us who waited for her for so long.  His tears were on behalf of all our family back home, and our close friends.
 

Grandpa gave her back to me, and she fell asleep again in my arms and we just sat and talked while she slept in my arms.  We hung out for about an hour longer, and finally knew it was time to give her back so she could go drink her bottle, and we would return the next day to pick her up forever.

It was an overwhelming hour.  It drained me emotionally, and I was surprisingly glad for the extra day to prepare to get ready to have her forever.

This is what I can remember about going to meet her.........